The Way It Is...

Oh, the curve balls life throws at you...

I don't talk about the negative in my life very often on here. I don't know why - maybe because this is my happy place, filled with the memories that I actually want to remember 30 years from now. But life really is not perfect. In fact, lately it's been downright hard.

Josh lost his job last September. It was right after his knee surgery, and I really don't want to go into everything because it makes me mad to even think about it - but the reason he lost his job was very unfair. But it happens. The bad thing has been trying to find a new job. There hasn't been much luck. The bad thing with the economy these days is that so many jobs are now requiring college degrees, just to narrow down the number of applicants, and unfortunately, he doesn't have a degree. I know that he wants to go back to school so badly right now, but it really is looking like that's not going to happen right now.

But this post isn't about that. Since times have been hard, and we've stretched out as long as possible, plus some, I have gone back to work. It's only part time, but these last couple of weeks have been some of the hardest in my life. I never imagined how hard it would be to leave my baby while I go to work. Maybe if I had planned on it, it would be different, but since I was hoping to be able to stay home with my kids, the shock was really hard to take. That first week was especially hard. It has nothing to do with the job - I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity that I have been given, especially since my employer knows that I'm hoping that this won't be forever permanent. But every moment that I was gone that first week, all I thought about was Abbi and what I was missing with her at home. I would cry thinking that I never took her to story time at the library, and now we won't be able to go. I would cry thinking of the park days I'd miss, or even just having her pestering me while I try to pull weeds in the flower beds. And then I'd get home at night, just in time for her crabby time of day. That first day when I got home, she hadn't had a nap (because for some reason, she only goes down easily for me), and she was super crabby. She ended up throwing a temper tantrum to end all temper tantrums, and I couldn't calm her down. All that kept going through my head was

I am a terrible mother. She is like this right now because of me.

I cried, and cried, and cried some more. My poor husband, I think he felt even worse, since he blames himself for me even having to go back to work.

It has now been 2 weeks. I can't say that it is easy, or even close to that - but at least it's getting a little better. At least I don't cry every day now.

So why talk about this now? Well, I don't really know. I guess first of all just because my life is not perfect, and I guess I need to talk about the bad every once in awhile along with the good. We'll never grow if we forget about the hard times in our lives, right?? And second, I have to talk in church tomorrow, and I am speaking on trials. One thing that kept popping out to me as I studied the subject is that how we approach our trials so often makes such a difference on how happy we are in life. I can choose to be miserable and cry every day, but it's not going to change the fact that I need this job so that we can get by. I can choose to be miserable, and just by doing that, I will make my husband and my daughter miserable. Or I can choose to think of it all as a blessing. And even though I know that I will be doing lots of praying every day to help me get through it, I know that I will get through it. I know that one day, it will get better.