Today was good for my soul.
I've been having a hard time finding my "place" in this whole ordeal. I have known from the beginning that my job is to stay strong for Easton. To be there for him. And to not be angry or hateful or sad or scared - these are things that I never want Easton to see out of me. It doesn't mean I'm not feeling them, but I know that I don't want any of those negative emotions to affect Easton or our home.
Several days ago, a lady added me to a Facebook page that is for moms of kids with cancer. This is where the whole thing about having a hard time finding my place comes in. I know that these women are feeling a lot of the same thing I am. And I know there is probably a lot of helpful information that is discussed. But I don't want feel scared. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to go around with this hatred in my heart for cancer, because I know that it won't change our situation. It will just make me angry. But a lot of those emotions will rub off on you if others are experiencing them.
Well, last night, I was working, and I clicked onto Facebook to schedule a post for work. But there on my home feed was a post from that cancer group. A 2 year old boy, diagnosed after Easton with the same kind of leukemia, had passed away earlier that day due to complications from the leukemia.
I literally gasped. And then completely lost it. That night, I probably cried harder than I have through all of this so far. Maybe it's because I wasn't having to be strong for Easton. But I think it mostly scared me and pushed me into a reality that I don't dare even consider. I immediately went upstairs to check on Easton. I couldn't work anymore, but then I just laid in bed and cried. I couldn't sleep - all I could do was feel this sadness and fear.
So needless to say, I was a bit of a basket case today. I'm trying to push that fear back out of me - I don't want it. I don't want to live every day in fear of what this all could bring. I have faith. I have hope. I have felt it since that first night when we were all given blessings by the bishopric. That's what I want to feel.
So gratefully, Easton had a really good day today. He was sitting up playing x-box most of the day, which is an improvement over him just wanting to lay on the couch and watch cartoons half-heartedly. And then he asked to go on another walk. And he played enough at the park that his legs started to give out on him. (The steroids that he was on weakened his legs and hips, so walking is a little bit difficult right now. I carry him a lot. I can't wait for his strength to return.)
And he laughed. Oh, how this boy has started laughing again. SO much more than he has for months. That is what I want to hold onto.
I'm going to keep praying for days like today, and I know we'll make it through just fine.
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