Wednesday, November 3, 2010

So Hard...

I cried on my way to work this morning.

Let me back up.  I turned in my notice - next week will be my last working week, then I will be back home with Abbi again.  I am so excited, I can't even tell you.  This last month, I have been so grateful for wonderful family that has helped out with Abbi.  They have all been so generous with their time, and I am forever in their debt.  When Josh started working, we hoped that I would be able to quit by the end of October.  But then the end came closer, and I felt like I should work another 2 weeks, just to make sure we had 1 more extra paycheck coming in so that the bills would get paid.  But I knew that I had already taken enough advantage of my sisters, sister in law, and mother in law.  Plus, I was spending an extra 2 hours in the car every day, and it was getting very hard on me.  So I started asking around to see if there was someone that lived close that would take her in for a couple of weeks and I would pay them.  I heard from a neighbor that there is a lady in the neighborhood who's mom watches a couple of kids during the day.  The only thing that worried me is that the mother only speaks Spanish.  I tried to get a hold of the lady last week, but my calls were never returned.  Then she wasn't at church on Sunday, so I started to stress out.  I called my sister in law to see if she could watch Abbi once more, and gratefully, she was able to.  Monday I tried to call the lady again, and found out that I wasn't able to get in touch with her because I had the wrong phone number!  I got the right phone number, but she works nights, so I wasn't able to get her that night.  After lots of stress and realizing that everyone had something going on on Tuesday, I ended up just taking the day off to take care of Abbi.  I felt bad, but it really was nice to spend the day at home and to get a preview of what's to come!  I finally got in touch with the lady, and plans were made for them to start watching Abbi today.

I won't lie - I've been a little nervous.  Not because of the people watching my daughter - I trust them 100%, but I was afraid of how Abbi was going to handle it.  She's been having a hard time going anywhere lately - I'm guessing it's a bit of separation anxiety.  She clings to Josh and I whenever we are around, and I know she just misses her mom and dad.  She's been sleeping horribly  and only wants to sleep in bed with me.  I know this will all get better when I am home with her, but there are still a couple of weeks to go.  

Well, this morning I took her over.  I was nervous because I really wanted her to be good, but I didn't know how she was going to react.  I got there, and she clung to my side.  I kept trying to distract her so I could leave, but no luck.  Instead, I left to a screaming child.  Not just crying, but screaming.  That's when I cried. There are really not many things that are worse than to leave your child screaming.  I got to work, and she was in my thoughts ALL day long.  Josh called after a text I sent him, and I cried again.  And again when he called at lunch and we talked about her. After I got off, I rushed as fast as I could to get her. I swear it seemed like I got stopped at every light and that every light took twice as long as it normally does. 

But then I got there.  And guess what?  She was happy!  They said that she had cried for a few minutes after I left, but that she was fine after.  They said she was really good all day and didn't fight with the other kids at all.  She ate her lunch and was really happy all day.  And after we left, I asked her if she wants to go back tomorrow, and she said yes.

I feel so much relief.  I felt like such a bad parent - which I really shouldn't have.  I'm pretty sure this whole day was a lot harder on me than it was on her!  But the good thing is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and the end of the tunnel is getting closer and closer!!


Claire said...

I think separation is usually harder on parents than the children. All you see is how she is when you leave...but then she's there the rest of the day, usually Abby was! Glad things turned out good in the end and that you are going to be able to stay home with her.

Michelle said...

yeah for the tunnel! love you! I think they hardly ever cry for more than a few minutes, but it doesn't make it any easier to walk out the door from a screaming little baby!

Kailie said...

Deborah, you know you could have had me watch her! I wouldnt have minded at all! But congrats on being able to stay home with her from now on :)